Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
