i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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