Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It's official drugs can't kill me
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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