Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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