The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
