She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
