Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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