broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
