Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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