I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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