Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
