my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
