I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Soap is not a condiment
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
