3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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