Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
