i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
