I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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