well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
