just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
