He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You need Xanax blowdarts
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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