I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
