I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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