he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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