dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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