The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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