Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
