some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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