I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Rumble strips road head = magical
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
