I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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