i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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