i love accidental penises.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
