I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
