You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
