so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Boobs are out for the taking
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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