He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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