last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
