I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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