Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
