The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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