Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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