i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
