I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
