D3 body, D1 cock
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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