she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
