True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
