There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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