Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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