i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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