either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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