You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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