it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
