just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
