So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
