Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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