I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
