Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
