you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
