Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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