I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
