Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Randomize
