two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
