I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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