God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm getting married
To pizza
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
