Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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