You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
