i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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