"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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