just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
