the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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