why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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