Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
